An excerpt from my play, "Christmas Gifts" :

Charles Harris, Jr. as Vernon, Martin Pree as Miles,  Leila Chynna Pree as Maya and Josette Murray as Dolly, Spring 2003

Dolly . . . .? What are you doing here?

I . . . live here?

No, I mean . . . I thought you went out. The kids said, to a party or something . . .

I was out – earlier. Now, I’m back.

Are you . . . okay?

I’m fine. I just . . . wasn’t in a party mood, after all.

[VERNON returns to the door, and calls offstage.]

It’s okay, you guys. False alarm. It’s just your mother.

Just your mother? Thanks a lot. Who were you expecting – Queen Latifah? Halle Berry? Oprah?

[VERNON RETURNS loaded down with packages. MAYA ENTERS, followed by MILES.]

Mom, you’re here – ?

I’m here everyday –

but, we've been calling and calling –

Didn’t you hear the phone ring?

I guess not.

How much wine have you had?

. . . .not enough.

[MILES starts for the bedrooms.]

Freeze, Mister – Oh, no you don’t! Take those wet things off first! I don’t want that snow and slush tracked in here. I have done all the cleaning I intend to do this week. This is my holiday, too.

Didn’t you go to the party?

Was it fun?

Where’s Jazz?

Yes. No. And I don’t know.

I thought she went with you?

We both went to the party. She was still there when I left –

But, we called from downstairs –

We had to use Dad’s phone – since I don’t have a cell phone I can use for emergencies and stuff.

My poor, underprivileged daughter . . .

. . . deprived. She’s just deprived. It’s terrible.

We could see the lights up here from Daddy’s car–

– and I knew you would never leave the tree on . . .

That’s why we were calling. Just to be on the safe side. The apartment was supposed to be empty. When it wasn’t, well . . .

We thought it was a burglar.

You thought it was a burglar.

And. . . you thought that a burglar would answer our telephone? And plug in the Christmas tree? For what? Holiday atmosphere, while he robbed the place?

I know . . . it sounds a little silly now, but poor Miles was convinced someone was up here stealing all the presents.

He wanted to call the police, but fortunately cooler heads prevailed.

. . . barely.

Why are you home so soon?

I could ask you the same thing . . .

You even beat my curfew –

. . . I thought you two were stopping by your grandparents on the way back.

Well, the snow was coming down pretty hard. Then, you know . . . Miles heard the weather report and started getting a little antsy.

A little? We practically had to sedate him.

Probably just all the sugar, kicking in.

Sugar . . .what sugar?

Me and Debra made Christmas cookies. A whole goo-gob of them. All different shapes and colors . . .

[To VERNON.]

Oh great. Thanks a lot.

[To MILES.]

Sounds like you had quite a day, Mr. Man. . . was it fun?

Are you kidding? Cookies, candy, cartoons . . . a stepmother who still thinks he’s "cute", plus a poor, defenseless, toddler to harass? Miles hasn’t had that much fun since we ate in Chinatown . . . and he discovered the phrase "Pu Pu platter" on the menu –

"I’ll have the "Pu Pu platter", please . . . with extra "Pu Pu."

Extra "Pu Pu"? Are you sure that’s not a boo-boo

MAYA

Oh, great . . .

You pooh-pooh my pu pu – ?

I do. Do too. . . .

You doo doo, too?

But,  "Make my funk the P-funk. I like my funk uncut – "

Me too.

"Make my funk the P-funk, I want to be funked up . . ."

A mind is a terrible thing to waste . . .

I can see why Miles had such a good time. He had a two-year-old and a forty-year old to play with.

Yeah, we had lots of fun. But I was still worried about you and Jazz. I thought you might get stuck in all the snow.

In other words, he panicked. He thought that we might get snowed in over at Dad’s place, with most of his presents still back here.

We brought all our stuff back with us tonight . . . just in case the storm got worse.

More gifts? [To VERNON.] What’d you do, hijack a UPS truck on the way home?

These are just a few things the kids had under our tree , plus . . . you know –

Oh. Right. Well . . .you two are really cleaning up this year. I’m not even sure you’ve been that good.

What’s the point of having divorced parents, if you can’t play the guilt card for extra loot?

See there. And you were worried they had forgotten the true meaning of Christmas . . .

Mama, you want me to put all that other stuff under the tree for you?

No, "Mr. Helpful". I do not want my gifts all poked and prodded and squashed and squeezed up – with your sticky fingerprints all over everything – thank you very much. But, if you really want to be helpful, you can go lay out your clothes for church tomorrow.

What’s to lay out? I’ll just be wearing a sweater again – as usual – thanks to Aunt Evelyn.

That doesn’t sound like gratitude to me, mister.

If she wants gratitude, she should learn the way to "Toys-R-Us"

Miles . . .

There are plenty of starving children in Africa who would love to have an ugly, scratchy, sweater that doesn’t fit.

You’re being sarcastic young lady, but that’s probably true.

Well, they can have mine. She always makes them eight sizes too big anyway. Who does she think I am – Darth Vader?

Your great-aunt just wants to send something warm, that you can grow into.

She had better start enclosing steroids. Miles is still "growing into" the sweater she sent when he was three years old.

Okay, you two. That’s enough.

Just make sure she gets a thank-you note.

You’ll only encourage her . . .

It’s the thought that counts.

Yeah. I bet it took a lot of thought: Miles – sweater, Miles – sweater, Miles – sweater,

Miles – Sweater, Miles – sweater, Miles – sweater –

I guess we all know who’s getting "Ritalin" in his cocoa tonight . . .

No cocoa tonight. He’s going to bed. We’ve got a long day tomorrow.

Mom, guess what? The baby said my name. Amari said "Miles".

She did not. She said, "Maya".

No – "Miles."

You are such a liar –

You didn’t even hear her!

I didn’t hear her say, "Miles".

She did too!

She did not!

Okay. That’s it. You both turn in early tonight.

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